There are these three women A redhead a brunette and a blonde. And they start to talk about their daughters. The red head says "you know i caught my daughter with cigars i did not know she smoked!" then the brunette says " I know! i found booze in my daughters room i didnt know mine drank!" then the blonde says.."OMG i like totally know where ur coming form OMG, i found like these these ummm condoms!? in my daughters room...like OMG i didnt know she had *whispers* a penisssss"

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A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, "give me a drink." The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve bears." The bear says, "well, give me a drink or I'll eat that woman at the other end of the bar." The bartender says, "psh, go ahead." So the bear eats the woman and asks the bartender one more time to give him a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve bears on drugs." The bear, clearly dumbfounded says, "what? I'm not on drugs." And the bartender says, "that was a bar-bitch-you-ate"

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One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the local gas station. He isn't very careful, and he gets gasoline all over his jacket's left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after paying for the gas. As he's driving down the highway, the heat of the sun on his truck's black paint is enough to ignite his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter! As he speeds down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over. He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the fire is extinguished. As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer, he sees the officer is writing him a summons! Confused, he asks, "You're writing me a ticket!? What for?" The officer replies, "Posession of an illegal fire arm."


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Oh we're in the army now.

The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: Attack or Retreat?


The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:


YES.


The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:


YES WHAT?


Instantly the computer responded:


YES SIR.


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Bathroom Commode - BC

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant - especially in her language.

She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for reservations.


She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet privileges in her letter. She finally came up with the term "Bathroom Commode", and that being even too forward in her eyes, she abbreviated it to "B.C."


The campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about or what B.C. stood for. Finally, he showed the letter to several campers and they all reached the conclusion that the lady must be talking about the local Baptist Church. So the campground owner sent off the following letter in return:


"Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at the same time.


I admit that it is quite a distance away and if you are in the habit of going regularly it may seem too far, but, no doubt, you will make a day of it, and you might be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along, so you won't feel alone, as they make a day of it, too.


They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.


It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.


If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.


Remember, this is a friendly community!"


 


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Many uses for a Vibrator

An elderly gentlemen had been living with his spinster daughter for some years. One day, upon returning home he heard an unusual whirring noise. Wandering around the first floor, he noticed that the noise seemed to be coming from somewhere upstairs.


He proceeded up the stairs to investigate. Walking around, he realized that the noise increased as he neared his daughters closed bedroom door. Whereupon he quickly open the door to make sure that everything was alright.


He was astonished by the sight of his daughter, stretched out naked on her bed with a vibrator violently shaking in her hand.


"Sylvie! What in tarnation is goin' on?" He shouted!


Sylvie, without hesitation replied: "Daddy, I have needs! Isn't it obvious? I know that I'm not going to find anybody to marry, so please leave me alone, and shut the door on your way out."


Somewhat chagrined, he retreated, and closed the door as he exited.


Not too many days later, his daughter returned home from doing some errands. When she entered the living room, she was surprised to hear an unusual whirring noise coming from somewhere.


As she walked around, she realized that the noise was coming from somewhere on the second floor. When she walked around the upstairs hall, she realized that the noise originated from behind her fathers closed bedroom door.


Throwing the door open, she was astonished to see her father, dressed in a tuxedo, with a glass of bourbon in one hand, and her vibrator violently shaking the other.


"Daddy! What in tarnation is goin' on?" She shouted!


Without hesitation, he replied "Sylvie, I have needs too! Isn't it obvious? I'm having a drink with my son-in-law! So please leave us alone, and shut the door on your way out."



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Old Log Inn

Several Thanksgivings back, we were sitting in a hot tub enjoying the afterglow of a win by ATM over UT. This was the last joke I heard before the women were run out so that the men could tell "real" jokes. It has been eight years and this joke comes up at every subsequent gathering, and can hardly be told because the teller is laughing so hard.

---

Two guys were out for a weekend of hunting in the woods, and as night drew near they started back for the Old Log Inn where they were staying. They came to a fork in the road and didn't know which way to go.

So they decided to split up and each go looking to save time. Joe went down the road to the left and after walking a good ways he decided that the Old Log Inn wasn't this way so he turned back and went looking for Bob.


He was expecting to see Bob walking down the road, but instead found him in the ditch beaten up! It took a few minutes, but Bob was finally able to tell Joe what happened ...


Bob had started down the other road, and had passed a parked car with a couple in it, he had continued on, but not finding the Old Log Inn, he decided to go back and ask the people in the car.


He stopped when he got there, knocked on the window and when the guy rolled it down, Bob asked "Hey buddy, how far is the Old Log Inn???"



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Last Request

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.


"Have you any last requests?" asked the Chaplain.


"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"


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Water to Wine

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the minister's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"


"Just water," says the minister.


The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"


The minister looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"



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You Know You Need A New Lawyer When:

• The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
  
• During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
  
• He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
  
• He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
  
• During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
  
• Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
  
• He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
  
• Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
  
• Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
  
• He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
  
• He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
  
• He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."

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