If Microsoft Built Cars

If Microsoft Built Cars...

1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.

8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.

9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.

A Man Found Himself On A Deserted Island...

A man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.

For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen -- or at least in last 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blonde hair flowed in the sea breeze.

He watched as she rowed her boat toward him.

As she arrived at the beach, he asked, "Where did you come from, how did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island.. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?"

"It is only me," she said. "Would you like to row over to my place?"

They both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm
tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Have a seat. Would you like a drink?"

"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable."

After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me," she purred, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss?" She moved closer
to him. "Something that all men and woman need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is, now that you mention it," the man replied, moving closer to her. "Tell me, do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

As A Poor Student

As a poor student, these are things you definitely would NOT want to see happen at the ATM...

* You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper.", and ejects your card.

* You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.

* You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.

* You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.

* You think you've got 100 in your account and go to take out 50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.

* You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well." -or-
"Wanted by the environmental police for creating unnecessary paper trash.