How to Go Insane At School

How to Go Insane At School
1. Change majors at least twice.
2. Live in a non-coed dorm for two (+) years.
3. Get infatuated with women who have little or no emotional warmth.
4. Drink heavily.
5. Change .plan weekly.
6. Take both ME and EE classes.
7. Time manage sponteneity.
8. Set record time on academic probation.
9. Solve PI to the last decimal place and/or
10. Predict female behavior.
11. Perform "mind meld" on chimp or humanities student.
12. Get a summer job normally reserved for recently paroled prisoners.
13. Look for a good party on Sunday night.
14. Analyze and worry about everything. (except what is important)
16. Constantly remind yourself that humour and a charming personality is better than money or looks. (yeah, right...)
17. Try real hard to be funny. (people look at you strangely anyway)
18. Do anything with a perfectionist.
19. Be as weird as possible. (I guess it comes naturally.)..
20. Send computer mail to uninterested parties...
21. Become so bored as to read textbooks in advance.
22. Procrastinate...
23. Have lots of attractive friends of the opposite sex that are seriously involved with someone else.
24. Continue being nice to people who could really care less...
25. Continue being mean to people who could really care less...
26. Assume that everyone tells the truth.
27. Listen to everyone else's advice.
28. Be a witness to every dysfunctional relationship to have ever existed.
29. Come up with a new .plan.
30. Withhold from screaming when you hear the phrase "let's just be friends..."
31. Ask a Jehovah's Witness: If Jesus were in the hospital and needed an operation, could he get a blood transfusion from God?
32. Listen to anything by Phillip Glass. (You'd swear the record was stuck...)
33. Try to believe that the new comics can compete with Art Gallery.
34. Try to calm down a "type-A" personality.
35. Think about the future... Graduation!!! Finally? Do I HAVE to leave?
36. Buy a personals paper and count the errors.
37. Believe "It's better to burn out, rust never sleeps..."
38. Count the minimum number of credits left to graduate.
39. Anticipate what you'll REALLY be doing after graduation. (serious begging)
40. Convince someone (or yourself) that you enjoy engineering.
41. Start seeing marriage as an option.
42. Find a hobby, but never have enough time to make it enjoyable.
43. Don't burn your bridges...blow them to Hell.
44. Find apathy a desirable quality in a lover.
45. Make maximum effort for minimum results.
46. Live a day riding shotgun. (eg. you've just started what's due today...)
47. Alternate between completely opposite behaviors. (eg. Act different for different people.)
48. Second guess what people are REALLY trying to say.
49. Apologize for guessing wrong.
50. Abandon common sense in the name of fun.
51. Try to find someone with the answers.
52. Explain something you don't understand. (great for presentations)
53. Look for lost time.
54. Live with a sociopath.
55. Vomit so often from drinking that it hardly bothers you anymore.
56. Stay awake in your most boring class.
57. Pass up offers from attractive women to go out drinking because you have to study, then blow off studying anyway and sit at home alone.
58. Guess what your grades will be every week.
59. Figure out what you'll need to get your grad index to a decent level.
60. Explain to someone what you enjoy and why.
61. Make fun of religion (realizing that you're damned)
62. Try to figure out why everyone you meet of the opposite sex either
A. doesn't interest you
B. you don't interest them
C. already has a love interest
D. is everyone else's love interest
E. all of the above.
63. Try to imagine what life would be like eithout bureacracy.
64. Conform.
65. Go to a video rental place with 2 or more friends. (...I've SEEN that!!!)
66. Find out what parties are going on when you have homework backed up.
67. Make a "Time Management" card, then TRY to stick to it. (I'll sleep next week.)
68. Find some goals. (I'll stop procrastinating next week.)
69. Deny any bizzare sexual conquest. (There is always SOMEONE who knows...)
70. Discern differences in Homecoming/Grad Prix candidates.
71. Talk to a racist without getting angry or punching him out.
72. Have a crush on someone at least 1000 miles away.
73. Become a love hostage. (definition available).
74. Have low self-esteem wars.
75. Make up nick-names for everyone.
76. Chase someone without moving. (metaphoric statement)
77. Get a decent Halloween costume that hasn't been done a million times.
78. Make fun of Greeks, but try to go to their parties.
79. Figure out what makes you happy and avoid it.
80. Get to the point where nobody gives you advice anymore. (What am I going to do with you?; I don't know what to tell you.)
81. Try to have a rational conversation with someone who's in love.
82. Figure out how they could have made "Batman" better.
83. Live in fear of jealous (ex-) boyfriends of your female friends.
84. Having everything due (projects, tests, etc.) after a big party weekend.
85. Use your failing test scores as lottery numbers.
86. Compute what you HAVE to get on your finals to pass.
87. Flirt with soon-to-be-married friends.
88. Come up with gross nicknames for sororities: e.g. Smegma Kappa
89. Prove that Fraternity Man (does not)= Drunken Rapist.
90. Count your blessings and subtract them from your damnations.
91. Keep track of the "soap opera" of changing relationships.
92. Ask yourself "Where the hell am I and how did I get HERE?"
93. Keep making the same mistakes.
94. Spend at least a half hour a day looking for something in the house.
95. Avoid soon-to-be-divorced friends.

One day at a busy airport

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink

A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"

"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."

The city fellow asked his friend the country boy to take him deer

The city fellow asked his friend the country boy to take him deer hunting, as he had never been hunting before. The country boy agreed to this, as long as the city fellow did EXACTLY what he was told to do.

The two men got their gear together and went into the woods. The country boy told the city fellow to sit down on a log that lay beside a deer trail, and that if he stayed quiet and waited, the deer would come right by him on the way to the creek, and he would be able to get a good shot. The country boy said that he was going to go on down the trail about a mile to another good spot, and he would be back to meet the city fellow later.

But a few hours later, the country boy heard all kinds of yelling and screaming as the city fellow came running down the trail!! "Well what's wrong with you?", he asked the city fellow. "Why didn't you stay where I told you to?"

The city fellow, still very excited, replied, "Well, when the bobcat came over and sharpened his claws on the log, I didn't move. When the bear came and sat on the other end of the log, I didn't move. But when the two squirrels came up, climbed into my lap and then one said to the other, 'Shall we take them with us or eat them here', well I just couldn't stand it any more!"

An Amish lady is trotting down the road

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."

Not Recommended Books for Children

Not Recommended Books for Children
26. Bob the Germ's Wonderous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.
25. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians.
24. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge..
23. Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures.
22. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The 'Hood'.
21. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
20. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
19. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
18. The Tickling Babysitter
17. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.
16. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
15. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
14. Babar Meets the Taxedermist and Becomes a Piano.
13. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
12. David Duke's World of Imagination.
11. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
10. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
9. Legends of Scab Football.
8. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
7. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
6. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the Endings to All of them.
5. Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom's Purse.
4. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
3. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.

Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral

Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. SHOW UP AT THE FUNERAL SERVICES IN A CLOWN SUIT.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

Guys Figured Out By Name

Aarons are dependable and talented.
Allens are preppy.
Alexes like porno, usally hot in a skater kinda way
Everyone has an Andy.
Bens are the smart, silent type.
Bills are the ones everyone chases and no one gets to keep.
Bob is the universal name.
Brads try too hard.
Brandons are dark haired, players.
Bretts are shy and clumsy.
Brians usually have only one good feature (but i havent quite found it yet)
Calebs never grow up.
Carters are rich, power-hungry snobs.
Chads are hot, quiet but interesting once you get inside.
Charlies are walking sex.
Chris' are undefined and should remain so.
Craigs are a little misguided.
Dans are thick.
Daves are impossible to get over.
Dennis' are quiet, desperate flirts.
Devons are destined for trouble.
Doug is the nice guy that repulses you.
Eds are thbp
Eddies are fast.
Erics are forgettable.
Ethans smell .
Franks and Tonys are Italian Stallions.
Fred is in the chess club.
Fredericks could be snotty.
Garys are gross Nazi's.
Georges are mild-mannered and have weight problems.
Glens are either short or intelligent.
Gregs are bizarre.
Initial name guys are cool.
Jakes are insecure and slightly repulsive .
James' are egotistical and stupid.
Jamies are shy but cuddly.
Jareds think they are the best thing since sliced bread.
Jasons are fun loving and handsome.
Jeffs are lost puppies, though they are adorable.
Jeremys are a tad fruity.
Jimmy's are sweet and sexy!
Joes are awkward, shy-guys in first date situations.
Joels are frustrated. tend to hang out with Nelsons
It's hard to stand out if your name is John.
Joshes are romantic back-stabbers.
Justins mess with your mind.
Kevins have swanky hair.
Keith is built, but dry and annoying. It's like dating a broom.
Kens just don't measure-up.
Korys are egotistical, pleasure-driven jerks.
Kyles are horny bastards!
There is always something wrong with a Kurt.
Leonards are avid bug collectors.
Lesters are molesters.
Lonnies are nasty.
Marcus' are players
Marks are 'touchy.'
Martins have a strange sense of humor.
Matts are queer- one T or two.
Mikes are rascally, troublesome guys but are usually nice.
Nates are cocky for a reason.
Nelsons are home-schooled.
Nicks are jerks, immature and only want your body.
Owens have large families and drive fast.
Patricks are also incredibly sexy.
Pauls suffer from male-pattern baldness.
Peters are stalkers.
Phils are sensitive but geeky.
Philips are more geeky but equally sensitive.
Rays are players but majorly hot!
Randys have facial hair problems and pyro tendencies.
Richard--Dick, need I say more?
Rickies are very senstive,cute, and charming!
Robs are sleazy and make you feel cheap.
Robins are tormented.
Rod (the name itself) is perverted.
Rons are into pasta.
Roys are so childish.
Ryans are never appreciated.
Sams just like sex.
Scotts are hormonal and usually bad news.
Shawns are sweet in one-on-one situations.
Shanes are shady.
Simons are thin.
Steves are extremes(usually incredibly good looking incredibly bad)
Theos (or Theodores) always make you smile.
Timothys like to be mommied.
Todds are sweet, sporty guys.
Toms are nerdy but poetic. They have that inner something.
Tommys are way to possesive & need to get a life!
Travis' are dumb jocks.
Tylers are genetically small .
Vances are good conversationalists.
Wesleys are romantic.
Williams are fat.
Zacks are good looking, but aloof