tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495544796488300472011-12-19T02:58:48.823-08:00everyone needs a chuckle now and then, smile or laugh out loud, you will feel better immediately! Better yet, let your friends share your laughter with you!Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.comBlogger1781100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-32639879213332551682011-02-12T21:04:00.001-08:002011-02-12T21:04:31.176-08:00

Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?". Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died. "What?! You shouldn't have broke the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me he was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-40738087378515557042011-02-12T21:03:00.003-08:002011-02-12T21:03:46.760-08:00

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-91193423939687231082011-02-12T21:03:00.001-08:002011-02-12T21:03:21.195-08:00

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-71767667865748027892011-02-12T21:02:00.001-08:002011-02-12T21:02:17.465-08:00

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-40689890303938273252011-02-12T21:01:00.004-08:002011-02-12T21:01:50.543-08:00

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Range Rover when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Range Rover.

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-18844364256934232592011-02-12T21:01:00.002-08:002011-02-12T21:01:21.978-08:00

Golf rules for beginners: 1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2) Form a loose grip. 3) Keep your head down. 4) Avoid a quick back swing. 5) Stay out of the water. 6) Try not to hit anyone. 7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 8) Don't stand directly in front of others. 9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go. 10) Don't take extra

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-73231865128344689472011-02-12T21:01:00.000-08:002011-02-12T21:01:01.464-08:00

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-76878547893122050472011-02-12T21:00:00.001-08:002011-02-12T21:00:24.118-08:00

A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he'd ever seen. He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away. The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-50232775814896693432011-02-12T20:59:00.003-08:002011-02-12T20:59:55.692-08:00

A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-38046013143223967702011-02-12T20:59:00.001-08:002011-02-12T20:59:08.990-08:00

Meeting rules for managers: 1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. 3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others. 4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-2805632697037045342011-02-12T20:58:00.003-08:002011-02-12T20:58:41.788-08:00

A husband pinches his wifes arse and says: "Do you know if you firm this up you could get rid of your girdle?" The wife annoyed, decided to bite her tongue and say nothing. Later that night in bed, the husband squeezed her tits and said: "Do you know, if you firmed these up you could get rid of your bra?" Absolutely fuming, the wife reached over and grabbed his dick and said: "Well do you know

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-37390918942395678142011-02-12T20:58:00.001-08:002011-02-12T20:58:14.402-08:00

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-91959159211994466252011-02-12T20:57:00.001-08:002011-02-12T20:57:45.559-08:00

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office,

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-65055107509058484742011-02-12T20:56:00.003-08:002011-02-12T20:56:56.983-08:00

A young boy asks his dad: "What's the difference between theorectically and realistically?" "Well son, go and ask your mother if she would sleep with the postman for $1million ..." The little boy asks his mum and then goes back to his dad: "She said yes ..." "Now go and ask your sister if she would sleep with the milkman for $2million ..." The little boy asks his sister: "She said yes, but

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-52950786144293470432011-02-12T20:56:00.001-08:002011-02-12T20:56:20.776-08:00

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try,

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-58831047734300650532011-02-12T20:55:00.003-08:002011-02-12T20:55:57.332-08:00

No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day ... Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-29657677349277868322011-02-12T20:55:00.001-08:002011-02-12T20:55:25.675-08:00

Many years ago when I was 23, I got married to a widow. This widow had a grown up daughter. My father fell in love with her, and soon they got married too. This made my Dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother too because she was my father's wife! After a few years I bacame father of a baby boy complicating the matter further. My son became the brother-in-law of

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-15811451390436979612011-02-12T20:54:00.003-08:002011-02-12T20:54:57.371-08:00

Two men Lory and Dwart are chatting as they work. Lory says: "I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week." Dwart: "Ooh!" Lory: "For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?" Dwart: "No." Lory: "He's the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this." The next day, the same discussion took place. Dwart: "Do you know who

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-23557004312902988742011-02-12T20:54:00.001-08:002011-02-12T20:54:26.816-08:00

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-37612856398750086342011-02-12T20:53:00.003-08:002011-02-12T20:53:41.297-08:00

A guy and a nun go golfing. The guy hits his ball into the water. He says "Damn! I missed!" The nun replies "Don't swear. God can hear you." So the guy is like "Whatever". He hits the ball again. It goes into the trees. "Damn! I missed!" "Don't swear, God can hear you!" "Whatever" So, he hits his ball once again, but it only goes about 4 yards. "AARRRGH!!!! SHIT!!!!" Ok, so about now, God gets

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-56434352755370229902011-02-12T20:53:00.001-08:002011-02-12T20:53:07.704-08:00

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-88934236682424033432011-02-12T20:52:00.003-08:002011-02-12T20:52:38.596-08:00

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-27997528205447183092011-02-12T20:52:00.001-08:002011-02-12T20:52:09.254-08:00

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-15334466644636093122011-02-12T20:51:00.001-08:002011-02-12T20:51:35.504-08:00

At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off. "Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent. A man put his

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-21608850326289502852011-02-12T20:50:00.001-08:002011-02-12T20:50:51.589-08:00

One day about a month ago, President Bush was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" She replied, $200." To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100. He then asked the redhead. Her

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-51691513571284560152011-02-09T05:47:00.002-08:002011-02-09T05:47:51.278-08:00

The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear of the room raised his

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-18182469226468872982011-02-09T05:47:00.000-08:002011-02-09T05:47:04.742-08:00

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach. They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by. The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-68195100804147268712011-02-09T05:45:00.002-08:002011-02-09T05:45:51.568-08:00

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door. In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-57803322018874608002011-02-09T05:45:00.000-08:002011-02-09T05:45:10.205-08:00

"Doc, you've gotta help me. My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe ..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-8908900808291808672011-02-09T05:44:00.001-08:002011-02-09T05:44:34.384-08:00

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-35032965220955191372011-02-09T05:43:00.003-08:002011-02-09T05:43:59.847-08:00

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-79365704948527535892011-02-09T05:43:00.001-08:002011-02-09T05:43:18.470-08:00

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-31451489238388577502011-02-09T05:41:00.002-08:002011-02-09T05:41:57.697-08:00

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-88741435698225559222011-02-09T05:41:00.000-08:002011-02-09T05:41:07.826-08:00

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up. The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky." The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-72680714720021056032011-02-09T05:40:00.001-08:002011-02-09T05:40:25.724-08:00

Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in. The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-74045524552284419682011-02-09T05:39:00.002-08:002011-02-09T05:39:49.382-08:00

A woman with triplets pregnancy is taken as hostage during a stickup at the bank. The robber shoots her three times in the stomach before he is arrested by armed police. Amazingly, the woman finds out all her babies have survived. She gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 15 years later, she comes home from work to find her first daughter crying. When she asks her what's wrong, her daughter tells

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-39549408907575937092011-02-09T05:39:00.000-08:002011-02-09T05:39:06.866-08:00

3 little ducks go into a bar. "What's your name the barman asks the first duck?" "Huey" was the reply. "Hows your day been Huey?" "Great, I've been in and out of puddles all day ... what more could a duck want?" "What's your name he asked the 2nd duck?" "Dewey" was the reply "... and I've been in and out of puddles all day as well." He turned to the 3rd duck and said: "I suppose your Louie ...

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-25441356314148037392011-02-09T05:38:00.002-08:002011-02-09T05:38:37.609-08:00

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?" "You'll see", he replies. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. "Ok", says

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-16186211635975416772011-02-09T05:38:00.000-08:002011-02-09T05:38:09.139-08:00

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-19931659981443716982011-02-09T05:37:00.001-08:002011-02-09T05:37:34.873-08:00

Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty. "Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second blonde hands the first her money. "I can't take your money," said Betty. "I

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-36492858987185414322011-02-09T05:36:00.001-08:002011-02-09T05:36:24.944-08:00

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-66833606587455099732011-02-09T05:35:00.002-08:002011-02-09T05:35:53.302-08:00

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable." And the Lord

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-14922275684622441042011-02-09T05:35:00.000-08:002011-02-09T05:35:11.794-08:00

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-60962021180728451612011-02-09T05:34:00.003-08:002011-02-09T05:34:38.697-08:00

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): "If GM had

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-10752770812661466112011-02-09T05:33:00.004-08:002011-02-09T05:33:59.799-08:00

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." "Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment." Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-54507897442723104412011-02-09T05:33:00.000-08:002011-02-09T05:33:04.236-08:00

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-90690992805835367682011-02-09T05:31:00.001-08:002011-02-09T05:31:48.952-08:00

One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office. The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-1491882800572437342011-02-09T05:29:00.000-08:002011-02-09T05:29:02.693-08:00

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-27626205865311898022011-02-09T05:27:00.000-08:002011-02-09T05:27:49.471-08:00

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-12613038251615441492011-02-09T05:25:00.001-08:002011-02-09T05:25:35.227-08:00

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-14872353812465937852011-02-09T05:24:00.003-08:002011-02-09T05:24:56.981-08:00

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-6229487735607109242011-02-09T05:24:00.001-08:002011-02-09T05:24:24.191-08:00

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer". The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-47767362393709786242011-02-09T05:23:00.002-08:002011-02-09T05:23:46.855-08:00

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-48412236347061551752011-02-09T05:23:00.000-08:002011-02-09T05:23:01.990-08:00

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST." So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-3371435230984233552011-02-09T05:22:00.001-08:002011-02-09T05:22:14.105-08:00

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?" The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her so good-looking?" "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her such a good cook?" "So you could love her, my son." The man thought

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-30449436794665086852011-02-09T05:21:00.001-08:002011-02-09T05:21:38.112-08:00

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says: "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-15003344581077905342011-02-09T05:20:00.001-08:002011-02-09T05:20:26.299-08:00

At Heathrow Airport in England. A 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-15752471178542052142011-02-06T07:02:00.001-08:002011-02-06T07:02:38.262-08:00

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-15643000833366999252011-02-06T07:01:00.002-08:002011-02-06T07:01:57.277-08:00

In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-84527856840546079292011-02-06T07:01:00.000-08:002011-02-06T07:01:08.372-08:00

With all your honor and dignity, what would you do? Please don't answer without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line- this is important for the test to work

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-90217237491164762752011-02-06T07:00:00.001-08:002011-02-06T07:00:21.012-08:00

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-40431658432974708112011-02-06T06:59:00.002-08:002011-02-06T06:59:40.852-08:00

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex." "Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant. The next week they

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-51046089543983683112011-02-06T06:59:00.000-08:002011-02-06T06:59:01.316-08:00

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he is her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says: "Mom what have you been doing all your life time? Dad has been going around laying every maiden

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-22547753281866977962011-02-06T06:58:00.001-08:002011-02-06T06:58:20.887-08:00

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-72569253491216579202011-02-06T06:57:00.002-08:002011-02-06T06:57:45.555-08:00

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-14882799149396513072011-02-06T06:57:00.000-08:002011-02-06T06:57:04.104-08:00

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-76889671268079806282011-02-06T06:53:00.001-08:002011-02-06T06:53:23.248-08:00

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-42164164183692340232011-02-06T06:52:00.001-08:002011-02-06T06:52:38.976-08:00

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-53941980333911314412011-02-06T06:51:00.002-08:002011-02-06T06:51:56.002-08:00

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-42750396011752212342011-02-06T06:51:00.000-08:002011-02-06T06:51:16.907-08:00

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-51790747391757663672011-02-06T06:50:00.001-08:002011-02-06T06:50:33.954-08:00

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-49194350428744092122011-02-06T06:49:00.002-08:002011-02-06T06:49:53.839-08:00

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-64571097059451353112011-02-06T06:49:00.000-08:002011-02-06T06:49:08.685-08:00

A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy working at the top accidently knocked a brick off the 50th story. When looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick crashed to the ground. The boss looked up at the worker and

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-25074244940865180692011-02-06T06:48:00.000-08:002011-02-06T06:48:17.923-08:00

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy". Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-42968656103783702832011-02-06T06:47:00.001-08:002011-02-06T06:47:35.893-08:00

A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-28645358703303826362011-02-06T06:46:00.002-08:002011-02-06T06:46:50.942-08:00

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-27367344626541689882011-02-06T06:46:00.000-08:002011-02-06T06:46:08.271-08:00

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems." The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health." The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-57271391949057045572011-02-06T06:45:00.001-08:002011-02-06T06:45:25.606-08:00

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-26069212389879197112011-02-06T06:44:00.002-08:002011-02-06T06:44:48.686-08:00

A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they write a postcard saying how it went. The 1st girl writes: M&M's. Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand." The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup. Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, "

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-62136469278773432532011-02-06T06:44:00.000-08:002011-02-06T06:44:07.976-08:00

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-1757249641849577922011-02-06T06:43:00.001-08:002011-02-06T06:43:30.259-08:00

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-65072346793665439192011-02-06T06:42:00.002-08:002011-02-06T06:42:49.787-08:00

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a social worker". The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's"

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-42363165298901074332011-02-06T06:42:00.000-08:002011-02-06T06:42:12.725-08:00

A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned. The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-88356677236713715672011-02-06T06:41:00.001-08:002011-02-06T06:41:25.744-08:00

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-86525794351279013812011-02-06T06:40:00.001-08:002011-02-06T06:40:43.785-08:00

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and takes a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a forest

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-5047336800361465032011-02-06T06:39:00.002-08:002011-02-06T06:39:50.228-08:00

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the

Fishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09507582693445773343noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-149554479648830047.post-15502814876825067492011-02-06T06:39:00.000-08:002011-02-06T06:39:00.829-08:00

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck ... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound ..

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A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses." When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number.

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A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life. "Well ..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old." "My goodness Frank, and at your

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One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the

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An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they

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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said: "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looked around at the shop and said: "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy

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In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each

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A rabbit came into a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "No!" The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No!" Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!" Early next morning the rabbit came back

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A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "No!" "Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather. A couple of

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A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love with his wife. "No darling, we can't do it here, what if the kid wakes up?" "You are right, lets go to the beach." They went to the empty beach and start to make love. All of a sudden, a policeman run into them. "Put your

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As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination." Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and

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A guy was walking around the office Christmas party belting down drink after drink. But every ten or fifteen minutes, he reached into his shirt pocket, pulled something out, took a look at it, then put it back in his pocket. Finally, a friend came up to him and said: "George, I've been watching you all night, and I have to ask what's in your shirt pocket?" "It's a picture of my wife." "Why do

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A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in

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It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't

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